all my bags are packed

So why am I not ready to go?

I am so damn nervous. I'm nervous enough to vow that I'm not going to go next year. I just don't feel ready.

I spent all day packing and I packed more stuff than ever.

I'm not going to be able to post very often but I'll do it whenever I can. Alright, here we go...

the security gig

I worked security at a punk show tonight for the first time at a new venue. I was tired, cold, hungry and annoyed by the music. It was like practice for Europe.

I feel love

I know Dean looks like he's going to attack me but he's not. He just hates the digital camera.

They say that you don't know what you've got until it's gone. I think the same applies when you're leaving. You don't know what you've got until you're going...away.

I had more people than ever tell me how much they are going to miss me at work today. Clients, co-workers, bosses, peoplel I don't usually talk to, everybody! It's nice to know that I'm going to be coming back to such open arms.

It will be hard leaving everyone but it is heart-wrenching to leave Dean. However, I am comforted by the fact that I completely trust my co-workers to deal with my clients and I know that Dean will be okay with my housemates. They are his family after all.

standing on our own 14 feet

First off, I need to acknowledge Justin P for the picture. It was taken while we went to Vancouver. He's an amazing photographer and I didn't have shit for pics today. Thanks man!

You know what's one thing I really like about my friends? We're anti-authoritarian and not just in the "Down with bosses, "Fuck the police," and "Fuck Bush" sort of way. We oppose taking positions of authority ourselves. We know what whenever a good sized group of people get together, everyone has enough to bring to the table to get it done.

For example, today, our instructor wasn't at chi-kung class so for the first time, we were on our own. All of us have been taking the class long enough to pick up the routine. There was even someone relatively new there but we were able to help that person along. It was great because each of us had a certain part of the routine down so no one person took over.

This is not to say that we don't need guidance from the instructor though. He has his part too. He knows the next step and he can point out what errors we may be making. But it was nice to know that one person does not make or break the class. We didn't really hesitate in going on without him. That's how we roll.

i go around around around around

I am directionally-challenged. I get lost very easily. Usually I enjoy getting lost so it’s not a big deal but that’s not always the case. Today, I had a follow-up appointment at the laser eye clinic in Tigard. I have been driving the car out to the place but today I decided to scooter which meant I had to find an alternate route not involving an interstate. I took Highway 10 to Terwilliger to Boones Ferry Road which is absolutely gorgeous. It was a perfect scooter ride, all except for initially getting there.

I knew I was supposed to get to Highway 10 off the Ross Island Bridge but I didn’t know that you keep going straight off the bridge in order to get on 10. I took a right turn, realized what I did and then went in circles for about 15 minutes trying to get back on 10. It reminded me of when I first moved to Portland. I would get stuck on these one-way roads and end up going WAY out of my way with no way to return. I think that was one of the primary reasons I started taking the bus and later started biking. Driving and getting lost can be SO frustrating.

When I finally found my way, it was a great ride. I think I would take the route again just for the enjoyment of it all, especially since I know where I’m going now!

Also, there was a large full moon tonight which proved the ineffectiveness of my camera but my batteries died on my ride so I couldn't take a picture of my new favorite route.

a click away

Small town life has its pluses and its minuses. I loved the intimacy of it all. You know your neighbors, your neighbors dogs, your neighboring town's residents. All that jazz. However, life can be pretty isolating when you grow up in small town in the middle of nowhere. I always felt really out of touch with everything, having to rely on the distortion of mass media for any inkling of outside culture.

It's crazy how much the internet can help rectify that problem now. I know everyone may not have internet access and may not have the freedom to search where they want but the possibility is there. Who we are is shaped by what we know and if we're not given all of the information possible, how can we possibly be sure who we are?

Today, I found a great source of music to choose from. Music has always been an endless pursuit of mine. I don't need to find what's hot and popular right now. I just want to find a new sound to move to. I've had i-tunes on my computer for a while and I just discovered that they have numerous free radio stations. This may be a "duh" point for a lot of people and "ho-hum" for others but for me, it means so many more ways to discover little pleasures and parts of myself.

the finest meals money didn't buy

I swear this is one of the last times I will pass off pictures of my dinner as my new thing but I realized something today for the first time. I ate three complete meals, all cooked from scratch, none of which was paid for. All of it came from my food box I get. Nothing tastes as good as a free meal!

best park to stash a body

I rely on Dean a LOT to look out for my best interest. We wander into some pretty sketchy areas where I just trust that he'll be on alert and let me know if there's any reason we shouldn't be there.

Today we went to Kelly Butte Park for the first time. I was sure that we were going to stumble upon a dead body. The hike in the park is on a badly maintained path through cobwebs and past deserted homeless encampments. There were no signs labeling it as a park. The name and address was listed in Dean's "Doing the Northwest with Your Pooch" book so we went there.

Besides my dog, I also rely too much on male privilege. In other words, if I was a woman, I would have had to be SO much more confident in my ability to defend myself before I would have braved this area. I only saw one other group of people there. There were teenage boys that jumped off path as soon as they saw Dean and then me. I wondered what they were doing at first but then their coughing gave it away. I don't think they posed a threat. Still, if they weren't blazing away, the situation would have been more sketchy, especially for a female. Leave me a note if you think that's sexist.

mass production

I should be in Seattle. However, I need to get merch ready for my upcoming trip. Today, with the aide of my friend Catherine, I completed a personal record of 45 shirts to take with me to sell. We printed the white ink on the black shirts which looks more like a mummy than an activist. With the halo, I figured it looked like a holy mummy. My friend Arturo and I decided it must be Jesus, taking that next step and turning wine to fire. :)

new tricks

I normally wouldn't count new computer tricks as my 'new thing' but I was so happy today to learn (on my own) that you can stop your VLC movie player to take a picture of movies. The above picture is a touched-up (sepia'd) shot from Run Lola Run. I LOVE that movie.

fast food justification

When I went vegetarian years ago, it wasn't for political reasons but merely to improve my diet. I realized that I was eating way too much fast food. I figured if I cut out the meat, I'd have to cut out the fast food and I would be eating healthier.

Well, it worked. I stopped eating fast food because I had no other choice. Since then, a lot of fast food chains have come up with better vegetarian options than just a side salad and fries. However, I still don't do the fast food thing. It was a habit that I was happy to break and I don't ever have the desire to eat that shit again.

However, I went to a fast food chain today. I'm a hypocrite. In my defense though, I don't consider Burgerville as bad as the others (McD's, Burger King, Wendy's, etc) because they're more Northwest centric. Plus today I had my lunch bought for me.

One of the supervisors at one of the stores I oversee was taking her clients out to lunch to thank them for working so hard. She invited me along and bought me lunch. It wasn't the first time I had been to that Burgerville but it was the first time I had went outside of the store to eat with the whole group of clients. It was fun, even if it was fast food.

the process of printing

Tonight, I began my t-shirt printing process. I printed out 20 shirts in an hour and a half. Most of them came out okay. I got in the groove tonight and just cranked them out after a while. I actually wish I had more to print. I haven’t gotten through half of them yet but it seems like I could do so much more than what I have. I may be singing a different song after I get through with them but I think it will be a good project for the weekend.

While getting these shirts ready, I realize how quickly my European trip is coming. I’m really excited now. I’m a little concerned about finances but I’m trying not to let that fear overwhelm me. Que sera sera.

feeling poetic

The day waned in a blue-grey haze, suppressing my energy and numbing my senses. I resigned myself to avoiding it all. My disillusioned heart and empty wallet became the wardens in my self-imposed prison. From my window, the world has lost its heart. A beckon from a kind soul calls me out of my solitude. I grab my bicycle and trudge out of the back gate with my head lowered.

Stepping out into the road, I look up to the west and see the final struggle of sunlight for the day. Its vibrancy penetrates over the West Hills and the evening light shines from my brow to the bridge of my nose. I stand on my bike and I can see more. I pedal towards the flames beyond the cloud cover with rejuvenation. I find a familiar coffee shop on a new night where I can listen to old friends and new acquaintances sing their follies and their heartaches and I revel in the heart of it all.

new toy

Change can be fun but it can also be very hard for me. Electronic-wise, it's always difficult. "New" technology doesn't always mean more friendly to use for me. When I get used to a device, I become dependent on its little nuances. New gadgets scare me.

Take my new camera. I just got it today. It's the first time I've received a camera in the mail so I didn't have any 'hands on' experience with it before I bought it. It's a little chunky and its shutter doesn't work as quick and the display isn't as sharp and it's just plain different.

Damn the technology engineers that rig these things to fall apart after so long just to help the market out. Well, I have no choice but to make it work with my new Fujifilm fine pix A700. Damn you Olympus. You took a beating all through out Europe and then you go and break after falling off my loft.

on my own

I'm a very solitary individual. I am comfortable being by myself. I spent most of today alone which is odd for me on a day when my three roommates didn't leave town. They were just busy elsewhere. I like doing the 'family weekend' thing and usually look forward to it but it doesn't always happen. Yet I found that I didn't need to go seek out someone to hang out with this time. I simply went with the solitude.

If it wasn't for time on my own, I wouldn't get to dance around by myself in the living room to the stereo turned up too high. I love doing that. It allows me to positively let off so much built-up steam. I like dancing at Embers with a crowd of people too but this is different. I don't have anybody to worry about or consider. It's just me dancing with my dog looking at me from the couch with his eyebrows taking turn raising.

However, that is hardly a new thing for me. My new thing was doing my chi-kung stance for a period of time on my own. Unlike dancing, chi-kung is a whole lot easier with other people. I found that I lacked the motivation to keep it up for as long as we normally do in class. I guess that's something I can work towards. Maybe I'll get to a point where I enjoy doing that on my own as well.

o happy day

It is a perfect Saturday morning! Absolutely perfect!

My vision is great, sometimes it's as good as it was with contacts and then sometimes it improves and gets as good as it was with glasses. But now it's just me, no outside devices!

I took a bike ride to Columbia Art & Drafting Supply for the first time. I have a money making idea and I had to buy supplies. My friend Arturo has a design that he's meant to print onto t-shirts but he never got around to it. I proposed to him that I would get the shirts, print the design and then sell the shirts while we are on tour and I would pay him a royalty fee for the design. It seems like a solid plan. I need money anyway and there's not too much overhead so it should put a little extra in my pocket. Plus art is fun!

vision quest

Whenever I think of the 'future', I think of hover boards and flying cars but today, I sat through took part in the 'future.'

My eye surgery was weird. I haven't been through a major surgery before so it could just be that's how a lot of surgeries go but I think it was more mechanized than most. To be honest, I don't know what exactly it was that they did. I know they were supposed to create a flap in my cornea so they could shoot a laser through it and then they resealed the flap which comes back together naturally.

What I could tell was happening was the following: they put a clamp on my eye (like Clockwork Orange) and a red light kept a continuous flash on the lighting structure above me. White lights around it got more intense and they kept putting drops in my eyes to keep it moist. My eyes were also numb and dilated at this point so it was painless. I felt pressure on my eye as they placed something over it and there was kind of a suction. There was a machine to the right of me which had an image on it that fluctuated every time I looked at it so I can only assume that it was a enlargement of my eye. A loud female computerized voice kept saying things like "Scan complete." I think an instrument like a fine knife or something went over my eye and everything went black even though I know my eyes were open (they had a patch over my other eye). Then I heard something like a zapping (the laser) and the female voice counted down saying "45 seconds remaining. 25% complete" until it finally announced that the surgery was complete. When they moved to my other eye, they did the same thing but I could see a purple twinkling halo around a central red light when the laser was going off.

The whole thing was pretty quick. They gave me a valium (YAY) to help me sleep because they wanted me to rest for 4-5 hours. A few more valium would have helped but they weren't that generous. Afterwards my eyes were pretty dry and I kept them closed and was led to the car by Ashes. When I got home, I put my goggles on and slept for 3 & 1/2 hours. My eyes felt better after my lubricating drops which I have to take every 30 minutes for a week. I also have two other drops that I have to take 4 times a day for a week. And I have to sleep with goggles on for a week. It sounds like a lot but really it's not that invasive and my sight is good and getting better by the minute!

crack-o-my-ass

When I first got a job in Portland, I was sent to work in Beaverton, a suburb. Then I was moved to Clackamas, a suburb. I didn’t think anything was really wrong with this because I hadn’t had a chance to work in the city. However, after about seven months, I was moved to a store in inner NE Portland. The difference was glaring and I absolutely loved it.

I feel like a snob when I verbally attack the suburbs but they are so damn generic, it’s hard NOT to attack them (verbally). Take the place we went out to eat at today in Crack-o-my-ass (Clackamas) which was Chevys. As a Christmas bonus thing from my department, I was given a gift card to Chevys last year. Chevys sits predictably nestled between a Red Robin and a Target. The place had that ‘fifteen pieces of flair’ feel to it. Our server seemed genuinely nice and probably gave some of the best customer service that I have received in a long time but the whole feel of the place felt wrong and I felt like Stepford Wives were going to kick us out at any minute. They did have good drinks though (see above).

workin overtime

Even when I was salaried, I hardly EVER took my work home with me. Okay, maybe emotionally I brought it home with me (which was why I hated my job) but I never brought physical paperwork home to do. I just don’t care that much.

However, I like my job now so I tend to want to excel. I don’t want a promotion. I just want things done well. Today, I brought my work home. While this isn’t a completely foreign concept to me, what I did with the work was. For the first time, I made a goal sheet for myself, similar to the ones we use for participants, which stated some fictional and some actual goals for myself. Then I wrote a month’s worth of fictional case notes which documented behavioral problems I fictionally had. It was fun because I got to say that I hit someone at work that I kind of want to hit sometimes. It was a good exercise in creativity for me. I need to do more of that, not bringing work home but creative writing.

Sorry the pic is bad but paperwork isn’t photogenic.

the second opinion

Despite my anti-capitalist beliefs, I like to shop around. I believe in not settling, especially when I'm spending money. Beggars shouldn't be choosers but consumers shouldn't compromise, especially when it comes to your eyes.

I went to the Lasik Plus facility for the first time today to see what they had to say about my eyes and boy was it the right idea! They told me that I wouldn't have to have the PRK thing. They said I was borderline but they didn't see PRK as being necessary unless my prescription got worse before surgery. They also said that it would only be $1399 per eye. I can't believe I just put "only" before "$1399" but it's a whole paycheck better than "$1699 per eye." The best news was they said that it would be okay for me to do it before Europe. So, I followed my original game plan and made the appointment for this Friday. Eeeek! It's happening SO fast now!!!

i am's jack's lumber

I would like to say that I exercise regularly. That may be an exaggeration but I at least THINK about going to the gym every other day. However, some good manual labor can be so much more satisfying.

Today I chopped logs with an axe for the first time. I've used a hatchet before but I realized today that an axe is totally different. You gotta swing and I'm not just talking about the axe either. You gotta move your hips. Ashes showed me how to do it and I was reminded of my dad showing me how to swing a golf club. There's more to it than brute force.

I also met my neighbor Greg for the first time. I had seen him several times before but he came over and talked to us while we were chopping away and introduced himself to me. He also wanted to chop some wood. I was reminded of Fight Club because, well, everything reminds me of Fight Club but specifically he came over and asked, "Can I be next?" We're guys who spend our day on the computer or in offices just longing for some primordial behavior.

Speaking of Fight Club, check out this link!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yXqWUKYgLXg

nothing nice to say

So I shouldn’t be saying anything at all. I am not angry anymore but I didn’t do a lot today. Idon’t have anything naughty or nice today. I made the dress I free-boxed a while ago into an apron but I couldn’t get a good picture of that and I like this picture better so here we are.

This is a hose-holder for a friend’s garden. Cute.

mad eye

I am pissed.

I just got back from my laser-eye exam/consultation. I went through an array of tests which were all new to me plus I had my eyes dialated which is all very uncomfortable. I was told by the nurse that I have a stigmatism in my right eye which I was unaware of and then came the bad news. The half-ass doctor (not the real doctor) told me that the real doctor would probably recommend that I get this more extensive surgery called PRK. He said this because the vision is worse in my left eye and my cornea is borderline too thin for regular surgery. The bottom line is that the recovery time is greater for PRK and they all basically said that I couldn't have the surgery before I go to Europe.

Fuck.

Then there's the price. The low end is $1699 PER EYE!!! The high is $1899! I was hoping this would be cheap and easy and it's turning out to be expensive and terribly complicated. I hate my eyes!

the nothing

Today was one of those days when doing nothing sounded more appealing than anything else. I was bordering on being sick due to the chilliness the night before so all I really wanted to do was nothing.

I ended up going to a party because it was at some friends' house a few blocks away. It was a decent party but there weren't a whole lot of people there that I knew and I really wasn't feeling up for it. I did meet some new people, Queraddo (I know I'm spelling that name wrong) and Gui (that's probably wrong too) so I'm counting that as my new thing.

Yes, it's a cop-out but it's the most I could muster today.

parting

I don't like hype. That's why I resisted reading Harry Potter until book four was released. Then my friend Sarah was talking about it one night and I decided that I could give it a shot.

I love reading and I love anything that gets more people reading. There's definitely still a lot of hype around Harry Potter but it's a good thing when people that I don't normally talk to approach me simply because I'm reading the book. It's a beautiful thing when, in this age of flashy pictures and catchy tunes, a book can cause such a stir.

I finished the last Harry Potter book today. It was the last I will ever read of him. I'm willing to count this as my new thing. I've never written a tribute to a book before.

let's get physical

I'm a pretty active guy most of the time. However, the desk job has worn a little on me. I was pretty surprised when I stepped on a scale today and saw the highest reading I've ever seen. They say that muscle weighs more than fat but I was still concerned. So I turned to Richard Simmons.

One of my clients says that she thinks Richard Simmons is a hottie so she has left a copy of Sweatin' to the Oldies in the ATE room. Today, I pulled it out and told everyone we were going to do it after lunch. The girl that loves Richard didn't do it but another case manager and I got one client to do it that hardly ever moves. This guy walks VERY slowly and doesn't usually get up and move about in the room. However, he likes the other case manager a LOT to the extent that he touches himself in front of her. She's a pro though so she got him to stand up as long as he could face her and then he sweat to the oldies. I've never seen this guy smile more. It was so great!

Usually when I go to watch the ATE room, I bring a movie that I think they would like. Since some of them have mobility issues, exercise has always been touchy but now I know those who can and want to will participate and everyone else will just do their thing. I now have another reason to love my job. It'll keep me in shape!

soldier down

Ah, Olympus FE-140, you served me well. But alas, the gorge was too much for you and now your feeble insides have went to shit and your display is a faint negative version of its former self. Fuck.

I don't have the money for a new camera but it is one of the few possessions that I have really grown attached to so I have to replace it. Today for the first time, I bought a digital camera online. It's a better pixel rate but it was a little over a hundred which I am going to have to take out of my food fund.

So, RIP, Olympus FE-140. Your body may turn to garbage but your memory (card) will live on.

oneanta

Whenever it gets too hot, we head for Oneanta Gorge. It's this cool cut in the side of the Columbia River Gorge, just past Multnomah Falls. It was a rough winter for the forest areas so the landscape of the gorge changed quite a bit. There has been a log jam in the gorge for as long as I've been going there but it was quite a bit bigger this time and the boulders that hold the logs in shifted as well. It ended up making it really difficult to get Dean onto the start of the log jam. He had to swim in waist-deep water over to me so I could pick him up and hoist him onto a boulder. Once he was on the jam, he channeled his billy goat persona and hopped right over the logs with hardly any problems.

We hiked down the gorge to the waterfall at the end. When we got there, it was just Dean and I for a while. The air was gusting off of the falls and I stood there and took it all in. Everyone else caught up with us and we stood there and admired the falls for a while. When we were getting ready to leave, I looked at the falls with longing and went right back, jumped in and swam underneath the falls for the first time. I looked back and saw Dean following me. I swam right underneath and watched the frigid water fall on me. It was exhilarating. I love Oregon.

obsessive condiment disorder

I didn't decorate my car in ketchup packets. I just found this picture online when searching for ketchup packet pictures. And why would someone search for ketchup packets online? Because they're really hard to take a good picture of. Today, my new thing was cleaning the individual condiment packets out of the fridge. I do not believe in wasting anything so I took over 20 packets of grated parmesan cheese from the pizza place and poured them into our container of parm cheese. Then I took 63 ketchup packets and filled a ketchup bottle with them. I don't know what's more insane; the fact that we had over 63 ketchup packets in our fridge, the fact that I took the time to pour them all into a bottle or the fact that I counted them as we went.

By the way, I did actually leave the house yesterday. This was not the highlight of my day but it was my NEW thing, letting my OCD run crazy.

not the marrying types

One can overlook the fact that they are single until they go to a wedding and everyone seems to have paired off. That's one reason that I usually cringe at the idea of going to weddings. I love my family and I'm happy for them in the decisions they make. My family is very catholic though so marriage is an expectation. However, with my friends, it's different. I have a broad spectrum of friends with a wide range of age, gender, class and orientation. And my friends don't often get married.

I'm at the age (a little past it actually) where, according to societal standards, all of my friends SHOULD be getting married. However, since I've lived in Portland and started hanging out with the crew that I do, I've only been to five wedding-like functions here. I like that.

Today, I went to a "wedding-like function" for my friend Chaela. She had a small private wedding ceremony and then a larger wedding reception the next day at a church I have never been to before today. It was a nice reception and I enjoyed myself because my friend network does not enforce the idea that you really should get married or at least couple. A lot of my friends are single and are comfortable that way. Me too.

I do LOVE my married friends. Two of my best friends are married. I love them as a couple and as individuals. It's just nice that, with my friends, marriage is an option but not an expectation.