the world I know

This song has been in my head lately (I wish I could embed it but it's blocked). The song is sweetly sorrowful and inspirational at the same time. I however am mostly feeling sorrowful.

Today, I got a distressing call from a elderly parent of a client. Basically, the parent was admitting to me that they were being neglectful of their adult child with disabilities and engaging in behavior that was endangering people's lives. I know that she knew that I was going to have to report it. I think that she was telling me to absolve herself. If anything were to happen to her or her child, then she could always say that I knew about it so she believed it was okay. So now I get to be the social worker that gets a child removed from the home. This sucks.

I've had doubts about this job and this line of work before but today I broke down and admitted to myself that I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to be responsible for this. I don't want to continue to go to school. I want things to be easy and simple and mindless again. I want work to be just that. Screw job satisfaction. I want a paycheck and then I want to be able to move on with my life. I want a job that has no actual consequences on anyone's life and I want to be able to forget about it as soon as I clock out. Hell, I want to be able to forget about it while I'm doing it.......but that's a lie.

I  wish that I didn't want to do this job. From my front step, I can see the video store near my house. A guy who used to do the same job as me at work quit over a year ago and now works as a video store clerk at this store. As I stopped at home today, I saw him bike to his video store job in his shorts and t-shirt and I was jealous. I miss my mindless video store days but only in hindsight. Retail work was boring as hell and when it wasn't boring, it was stressful. As hard as my job is today, it's given me some of the gratifying and best moments of my life. School is difficult too but it has also been amazing.

I think it's just summer. It's weighing hard on me. Thankfully, I have a vacation coming up.

What else?
My new thing today was setting up my hammock in the backyard. Ashes came over to help me and I messed with wire rope and it's now all secure. I've got to put the finishing touches on it tomorrow but, after the way today went, I really really need this hammock.