one of those conversations

When I came out to my parents in 2003, I waited til the last moment in my visit home.  I went home for my sister's wedding so it was hard to bring it up without taking any focus off her occasion.  Also, it just wasn't something that I really knew how to say.  Fear of the unknown reaction and potential disappointment had me all twisted up inside until I finally realized I just had to blurt it out.  When I did, it went better than I could have expected (love you, Mom and Dad!) and I felt like floating because the dread of it all had weighed on me so heavily.  Today, I had to have my second most uncomfortable conversation.

I've broken up with boyfriends, quit jobs and stood up to homophobic crowds.  This was still harder.  I decided a little bit ago that I wanted to move in with my friend Sophia.  She has a room open and I believe that as single people in our mid-thirties, we're both at similar places in our lives and this is what I need to do right now.  I also adore her, she adores Dean and she lives in a great neighborhood.

However, living with her means that I can't live with my current housemates whom I have lived with for seven years.  That's a significant time investment.  Really, I haven't lived in a house for seven years straight since third grade.  Wow!  Not only will it be an adjustment moving to a different location but not living with Ashes, Victory and Raven (and the cats) will be a hard adjustment for everybody.  It's not a decision that I made lightly and there was nothing negative that brought it on.  I love them all.  I just feel that I need to try something new.

Again, I've been dreading this conversation.  However, I wanted to let them know so they have time to prepare for the change.  It happened today that they were both home and Raven wasn't.  (If you're a Portland person, don't tell him yet because he doesn't know. We figured it would be best to have a plan first before telling him.)  I just blurted it out.  It wasn't easy but, like my coming out conversation, it wasn't a complete surprise to them either.

Anyway, the next few months will bring about a lot of change for me.  I can't say that it will all be for the best because I don't know that.  I'm looking forward to it and dreading it all at the same time for a number of reasons.  Mostly because it's something new and unknown.

What else?
Reuben month is over and I'm a couple of pounds heavier.  I finished with a bang today, having three Reubens; one from Chaos and two different kinds from Vita.  The cool thing was that they were the best three Veggie Reubens of the month too.

my birthday pony

To celebrate a late bday, some friends and I hit Blowpony tonite.  After the line last time, I got there early.  It was the longest time I've spent at a Blowpony and it was the first time I danced with Jennifer and Donald there.  I also got to see some awesome performances for the first time.  (Yes, this is a weak new thing but it was a lotta fun.)

how the pros do it

After writing my paper last week on my internship and my first mental health exam, I felt a renewed sense of purpose in my internship.  Today, I felt like I turned a new path too.  I sat in on a case manager doing a MH exam with a new youth.  It was a great opportunity to learn from people in the field who have been doing the work.  Um, I kind of feel like this is what I was supposed to be doing from the beginning.  Plus, I got to meet a new-to-me coworker.  I didn't have my regular work partner so I got a new guy.  I was less than impressed and then he copped an attitude minutes before he was going to leave.  Well, screw him.  First off, he was wrong, not only in the approach that he took with me but also in what he was pissed at me for.  Second, I'm not there to do that job or for him to train.  I got bigger fish to fry (and that's not a statement reflective of the little one pictured above.  He's just a fish at my internship that I interact with weekly and he was following me around.  Plus, it made a nice statement to tie in the picture.)

disconjointed

I interviewed a new person today for a case manager job at work.  I really liked her and I'm looking forward to working with her.  Now, here's a pic of a puppy sitting on a cat.

walking thru trees

I am much more of a woodsman than I am a beach-bum.  90% of the appeal of staying at Crescent City was the Redwoods on the outskirts.  Dean's never hiked Redwoods and I haven't really either.  I've walked around in them when my housemates and I came down here a while back.  However, I really never got to hike around so Dean and I made it a priority.

Walking through the woods at the end of last years' vacation really put some tasty icing on top of an already sweet trip.  I had picked out the trail ahead of time though.  Today, Dean and I winged it and we ended up on Hiouchi Trail.  There's four different destinations for this trail.  I don't know which we ended up going towards but it was a nice walk.  The trees are amazing.  The second picture above is from inside a tree.  There were a lot of huge trees that you could walk through along the path.  I took a video of the walk too just for more an accurate representation of the walk because it was difficult with photograph to truly capture the enormity of the trees and the beauty of it all.

What else?
Before leaving, Dean and I hit the other side of the Crescent City coastline which was much more desirable of a beach but still didn't compare to the Redwoods.

biking the crescent

California has been a little disappointing. The weather's not that much warmer and the food's not that great. However, I can't really judge the whole state based upon one of it's northern most towns in the winter.  Crescent City appears the geographical equivalent of going into a gay bar and hanging out by the door, just stopping by to see what's going on and then bailing at the slightest hint of uncomfortableness.

I decided to see more of Crescent City today. I took Dean on a longer walk around the beach, visited an antique store called Sylvia's Attic, tried the Veggie Reuben at the Good Harvest Cafe and biked around the ocean.  The antique store was cute.  The Veggie Reuben was a veggie melt that was heavy on the sauerkraut (no meat substitute).  However, biking was wonderful.  Crescent City has a lot of bike-friendly features.  Unfortunately some of the bike paths are interrupted by stairs or go directly into the ocean.  But they're trying.

Except for the awful beeping noise every ten seconds, this town is really quaint and adorable.  It's just not what I grew up thinking of as California.  TV glamorizations of Cali rarely depict the northern region which is more my speed anyway.  It could stand to be a tad warmer but I shouldn't expect that in the winter.  Maybe I'll visit again in a more southern region this spring or summer.

working for a vacation

It can't all be relaxing.

In order to be able to take this little trip, I had to wait for my birthday (so I could get a paid day off work) and then build up hours at my internship.  Really, I would say that I've earned the downtime.  Nonetheless, I spent a solid 8+ hours today working on my first paper of the quarter.  I hate to spend a vacation day doing it but it's due on Monday and it revolves around the assessment that I had to wait until Wednesday to get done so this is one of the few days when I can actually work on the paper.  There are worse things though than having complete solitude and a task.  I'm pretty proud of the paper too.  Now, I can really relax.

What else?

Bath time! Dean rolled in something on the beach during our evening walk so I had to check out the shops of Crescent City in search for adequate shampoo for him.  Then it was my turn for a bubble bath that almost melted me.

And I needed those comforts because today did get off to a rocky start.  Last night, I realized the curtains in the master bedroom were really just pretty pieces of sheer fabric and there's a street light right outside.  It was like bad design in a hotel room.  Then, I heard this beep.  Every ten seconds, something would beep.  I thought maybe my cellphone was trying to get my attention but it turns out that it was coming from outside.  There's a beacon, perhaps to warn ships, that goes off every ten damn seconds.  How do people not go crazy here?  If I lived here, I would have shimmied up that pole within the first two weeks and snipped some wires.  However, tonight, I'm just going to duct-tape a blanket across the window and use two space heaters to provide enough white noise to drown out the beep.  That and a calming bath will hopefully ensure that my second night's rest in CA will be more sleep-inducing than my first night here.

thirty five

I was so busy getting down to California today that I completely glossed over the fact that it was my birthday.  I guess I’m going to be down here for a few days so I can just take it as a birthday weekend and treat myself right everyday.

For the first time today, I drove over Grant’s Pass (around a foot or so of snow), brought Dean to California for the 1^st time, checked into a new vacation house and watched the sun set on the Cali coast.

It was a long day with a hefty drive but it was really relaxing.  Still, I think that I may change it up next year.  Maybe I’ll just stay in Portland for the day and take it easy without the long drive and the concern over the unknown.

Even though I’m crossing a milestone of sorts into my mid to late thirties, I’m really not concerned about age.  It’s just a number and I’ve had a damn good year.  If this is what age continues to bring, I will relish growing older.

assessing their situation

This quarter, I have felt a little disappointed with my internship.  I’ve enjoyed the retreat and such but I feel like I’m missing more this time.  I can hold down the house and make sure the day-to-day operations run smoothly but some of my classmates are giving presentations at their agency.  That may be setting the bar high but I don’t want to completely waste this opportunity.  Although, today I felt like I was getting my money’s worth.

I have been worried for the past several weeks about my next writing assignment which revolves around me doing a mental health assessment.  Two Fridays ago, I sat in on a new client’s initial assessment and, while I did appreciate the opportunity, it isn’t the same thing.  I have been trying to schedule time to sit in on an MH assessment and it keeps not working out.  Out of desperation, I agreed to do a mock assessment with a housing resident where she gave me factual information but the assessment would never be official.

Even as a mock interview, there were still some difficult questions, particularly the ones about abuse and self-harm, that I wanted to see someone ask before I went about it on my own.  However, my supervisor pretty much just pushed me off the high dive and said going for it would be the only way I would learn because you’ve just got to experience it.

I owe her a debt of gratitude (what an odd phrase) though because it totally worked.  It was probably the best interview I had ever done.  I sympathized but didn’t lead or blame.  I listened and asked pertinent questions.  I returned to the question of self-harm after I almost forgot it but still managed to end the interview on a positive and inspirational note. And I completed a successful eco-map!  Go me!

Not only am I thrilled about this because it’s been weighing so heavily on me and it’s good to have it done but I think I did a great job AND it’s the last thing I really have to do before my birthday vacation.  I’m ready now; ready to assess people, ready to finish this assignment, ready for vacation and ready to relax.

What else?

I got another new phone.  Actually, this is the third droid they sent me.  After the green screen, they sent me a ‘like new’ droid that took 30 seconds to load every time you hit the home screen button or back button.  Then, they sent me one that quickly got stuck in a reset loop.  Now, it looks like they may have gotten it right.  Damn, if they didn’t though, I’m going to pretty much insist on a new phone or take all my business from Verizon.

I tried the vegetarian squid balls.  They tasted like $1.69.

h8rs day

Hating on Valentines Day seems silly because it's hardly worth the effort and hating on it just further recognizes it.  Still, I'm always up for trying a new Reuben and dining with friends so Sophia, Jesse and I (with Nathaniel showing up later) headed to Sckavones for the first time.  It's a cute little place with good food and great friends but we're here to hate so we had to keep focused.

Actually, we ended up talking about sex and love the whole time.  These are my single friends (minus maybe two or three others) so we tried to do a good job of putting love in it's place.  I'm just glad I made it through today.

fubonn

I got to feel like a tourist in my own city today. Martin, Tim, Sophia and I hit Fubonn, the Asian grocery store in the Asian mall on 82^nd.  It was awesome and exhausting.  I always feel that I need to buy something extraordinary when I go to places like this.  However, I decided to buy vegetarian squid balls instead.  It was probably the most bizarre impulse buy I’ve had in a while but it was only $1.69 so I was willing to take the chance.

Actually, I didn’t really know what to get.  Many of my friends would know what they’re looking for here that they couldn’t find anywhere else such as key ingredients or spices.  Me, I look for oddities like Honey Crystals.  It’s dehydrated honey.  Who knows, it may be practical at some point.

sniffing around hawthorne

Sophia and I (for the first time) went to see the latest additions to Hawthorne today. Goodwill opened up another boutique with less of an uptown feel and more of an overpriced vintage esthetic.  The place across from Veggie Thai which used to be something else, then a dollar store and now it’s split between the Peacock consignment shop (where I bought the shirt pictured above) and a made-in-Portland store.  We ended at the newest New Seasons.  We had a craving for either donuts or wine but settled on endless chocolate tastings, a large free wine sample, free cheese and two different kinds of local beer sample.

It was a simple but charming day.

mr t's exit

Hardly anybody is from Portland.  Out of all of my close friends, two of them were actually born here.  The rest of us happened to migrate here about the same time in 2002.  Like the show Portlandia said, it's where young people come to retire.  However, times are changing and people are moving on.

Tonight, we said goodbye to BHT.  I think that he came here around the same time.  He's been traveling, came back to Portland for around a year.  Changing times are what is driving BHT out of town.  I found out that Kindles are destroying book stores tonight.  BHT had his dream job working at Powells but, due to the lack of paper book sales, they had to do some major layoffs and unfortunately, BHT was one of the many cuts.  I think he is also ready for a change but the job loss was kind of a motivating factor.

To see him off, we went a couple different spots, including a karaoke bar.  We ended up at the Red Flag bar which I have never been to and probably won't remember well if I go back.  However, I'm glad to have gotten to see Mr T off.  I wish him well in Chicago.  I don't have any plans to leave town so I hope he comes back so our paths can cross again.

a new man

Wow, this is what eight years of social work and activism will do to a guy. :)

I got my new license today.  It was something I've been dreading for a while because I wasn't pleased with my passport photo and I figured this one would be bad too.  I actually like the picture though.  However, I look like a guy who the younger me may have been afraid of.

I was also just pleased to get the license done.  Not only did I get it renewed (at a new-to-me DMV) but I got my car fixed finally (at a new-to-me mechanic) and I got my replacement phone in today!  Hells yeah!  To celebrate, I went to Crush to celebrate.  Comfrey met me there and so I ended up drinking more than I had planned.  And then I continued to go out.  It ended up being a Saturday night for me, a very awesome Saturday night.  I mean, damn, I have come a long way in eight years.  Some people fear growing older but I don't mind.  I think that I'm enjoying this year so far more than I have enjoyed things for a while.  With age come experience and knowledge and I take comfort in that.

babgy hot springs

 Today was a trek to a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow.

Earlier this week, there was some chatter about going to Bagby Hot Springs over the weekend.  I had already decided that I was going to take it easy to recover from my sickness.  However, since I had two good mornings, waking up feeling great, I put myself back in the game.

Justin, Ashes, Victory, Raven and I all headed to Bagby which none of us had been to before.  We got very lost.  I don't know how we got lost this bad because there was a sign pointing right along the paved road which guided up right to the trailhead.  However, somehow we ended up all the way out on highway 63, taking back roads (where I swear to Gawd I saw a deer skeleton.  It was there when we drove up the path but I couldn't see it when we came back down.  It made for a fun, scary moment though!)

 When we found the right road, we had a mile and a half to walk through these gorgeous woods to the Springs.  The water was this odd color of bluish green and everything was so peaceful.

 When we arrived at the Springs, all of the tubs that were open were taken.  Apparently, this location is being privatized and remodeled.  I'm glad we could get there when it was still a public run attraction.  Raven and I each took our own little tub rooms to soak in while we all waited for the bigger tubs to open up.  However, the little tubs, which were carved out of logs, took a while to fill up and were too hot.  Right after I tried and failed to stick my foot in the tub, Justin came over and said a big tub had opened up.

It's hard to sum up the level of ease and comfort that sitting in a naturally heated wooden tub with friends in the cool and deep outdoors.  It is definitely a destination that I want to visit again, especially now that I know how to get there.  Although, I think that our adventure of getting lost today added to the satisfaction of finally sitting in that fabulous hot spring water.  (I put the rest of the pics on Flickr here)

green screen of death

I was forced off the grid today by my phone.  After visiting the Nikkei museum, we went to the arcade for a quick visit and my phone appeared like this.  I didn't drop it or get it wet.  It just decided that it was done.

I was already downtown so I ordered another one from Verizon for free but it had to ship to me and may not be here for a few days so until then, I'm on my own in the world.  The kick-in-the-pants is that it's also my MP3 player.  That's what I get for putting all my devices in one basket.

While I miss walking with my music, I have to say that my phone picked an okay time to go offline as I was planning on hermitizing this weekend anyway for health reasons.  The problem came this evening when I was home alone and didn't want to leave the house but I needed food.  I twittered my phone order to Ashes and had his phone it in from Gresham.  It's the first time I've had food ordered for me from another town.  Well, this time away from my phone will either make me more self-reliant or it will make me appreciate my droid more when I get it back.

history lessons

I decided that I was going to take this weekend easy.  Last night, I didn't do a thing.  I tried to stay awake to read a school book but that was it.  I've been feeling sick (stuffy nose and sore throat) so I put any plans on the backburner this weekend and put my rest and recovery above all else.

However, after one night of recovery, I woke up feeling great this morning.  After breakfast, my housemates and I headed to the Oregon Nikkei Legacy Center.  They have a special exhibit there right now called, "Taken: FBI."  It's all about the rounding up and detaining of innocent citizens during WWII due to racism and fear, focusing on the Japanese Internment Camps.  However, they did an excellent job of tying the past to the present with relating what was happening then to our post 9/11 fear of terrorism which all too easily translates into racial profiling and racist attacks against Arab Americans.  They even brought up the recent FBI framing of a youth in Portland who was plotting to blow up the Christmas Tree Lighting Ceremony after coaching and encouragement from the FBI.  Not surprisingly, we're making the same mistakes.

My next history lesson of the day came in a four hour, forty eight minute epic.  Dave, my co-worker at the internship, has been talking about Red Cliff for a while now.  Since I knew I was taking it easy this weekend, I rented it, figuring it would be good to fall asleep to.  However, this saga about Chinese history was captivating and stunning for the full time.  It seemed like I had been watching TV for a while by the time it ended but at no time during the movie did I think, 'I wish this would just end.'  John Woo created a masterpiece.  I was warned off of the theatrical version because it had been too edited down.  I don't regret it at all either.  What a great movie!

making sacrifices

I feel reassured today that I am in my job for the mission as I was willing to put myself out there (as well as just about all of my co-workers) to defend one of my fav clients, 'M' from my bosses today.  This is the same guy that sings Sweet Caroline, steals cops' markers and throws his notebook in my face.  Out of the blue, my bosses have listened to some of my co-workers and decided that this wasn't the right program for my guy.  Therefore, almost everyone's neck was on the chopping block as I prepared my arguments to keep him.

I stayed up last night and wrote down my main points so I could deliver a concise argument.  In those points were other people's names, people that I believe have failed 'M' recently, causing his outbursts.  Fortunately, I made a good enough case without having to make any real sacrifices.  However, I would have.  This guy has nowhere else to go due to his past behaviors.  He is also like over 50% of the reason I love my job.  When he has a stellar day, it can make up for a few rotten weeks for me.

I really hope that my argument worked.  My bosses pointed out that I'm not around very often right now between school and the internship which hasn't exactly helped 'M' because I would be the first person to respond to his bad day and take some 1:1 time with him.  Again, I'm not taking full responsibility for the situation that 'M' is in, like I didn't with my client yesterday at my internship.  However, with 'M', there's still a chance I could help him.

What else?
My new thing today was going with my housemates as they bought a different car.  Our house is not only built on an anthill but also a vortex that hastens car problems.  I hope the new one works out for them.

Speaking of car problems, my mechanic friend wasn't able to fix my car so I had to call a dealership today.  The car needs to be on a lift in order to access the starter.  I'm glad that I didn't wait until the last minute to try to get it fixed.

the failing

When I got to my internship today, I found out the one client I had on my caseload was leaving.  It's hard not to take that personally.  I know he has a lot of issues which I can't go into here but I can't help but think that I could have done more if I had been there more often.  However, after expressing my feelings to friends and co-workers (obviously omitting any identifying details involving the client), I became more reassured that these things happen, even if the program is really working.  It's just a shame because it can't help but have a negative impact on the client.  Sigh, this is why retail was easier (but I still wouldn't go back).

What else?
It's Reuben month!  Yay!  Sophia and I began at Hedge House.  We still need to get the blog up and running but we're doing it!

I also met a new repair guy (also named Chris) at my internship today who was pretty damn awesome.  I hope we have more things that break down there (just not people).

the starter pack

I hate cars and their stupid breaking parts.  Aside from the fact that they kill people and animals and contribute to environmental destruction, they're a pain in the ass to fix and, until you do, they're a ton of heavy metal to be dealt with.

Despite this despising, I had to get the car working for my upcoming CA trip so I bought a starter.  I was going to wait for two weeks until NAPA had a sale on their parts but I started to get nervous that it might not work so I went to the NAPA store for the first time and bought the part today.  It cost as much as a typical years' worth of work for my bike but whatever, it's done.  I'm pretty sure that I'm going to sell the beast as soon as I get back from CA.