brian

 

Years ago, when I came out, I was faced with the task of telling (almost) everyone. As much as possible, I tried to gather people together to tell them so I wouldn't have to do it so many times. It's really nerve-racking. 

I tried to tell as many people in person as I could but for some reason I couldn't bring myself to tell Brian in person. Brian, on the far left in the picture above, was my roommate in college. I started hanging out with him and Nate (in the middle) my sophomore year. After the three of us graduated from McCook Community College, we went to the UNK where Brian and I roomed together in a variety of houses and apartments for the next four years. After that, he moved to Hastings and I stayed in Kearney. We kept in contact but we were on different paths.

When I moved to Portland, I would still talk to him here and there but it wasn't regular. When I came out to some other friends from Kearney in person, I came back to Portland and called him. I chit-chatted for a bit and then just said, "So, I'm gay." Now, I imagine it's a bit of a shock (although most people weren't that surprised) but Brian seemed speechless and then, he said, "So, do you wear women's clothing or something now?" At the time, I was a little offended that this was his understanding of gay men so I said no. However, I was wearing women's pants but not in a cross-dressing fashion. I just liked the way they fit better.  So I said, "Well, wait, I guess I am wearing women's pants." I don't know if this was too much to process for him or if he just didn't want to think about how he had just unknowingly lived for several years but I haven't heard from him since. I should say that Brian isn't a bigot at all. We had a mutual friend in college who was out and it was fine. I think I tried to call him shortly afterwards and was unsuccessful. I also sent him a letter, saying that I would like to hear from him and I never did.

It's always bothered me how he reacted and how I should have handled the situation better. He was on my mind last night because it was his birthday so I had a dream about him. In my dream, we were meeting at a restaurant. I was meeting Nate (who was totally fine with it and whom I still keep in contact with) and we found out Brian was there. His big brother (who is non-existent because Brian is the oldest in his family) was there and said that it would be okay for me to talk to Brian. We had a really good talk and he got to ask some questions, very much like I remembered Brian would have and I got the chance to explain why I hadn't told him earlier.  I woke up feeling refreshed and at ease like I finally had closure on the situation.

What else?

I knew I wanted to write this post and I knew that I wanted to use the above picture. I decided to break down and buy a scanner today. I got a Epson Perfection V500 after reading several good reviews on-line. I scanned in a lot of photos from McCook and then some from Hastings (the video store) and the Archway. It was nice looking through those old photos and sharing the memories with friends via facebook.

Yesterday, I also went to Andrew's to take care of his cat and climbed out onto the roof with her for my new thing. And I ate the BBQ sandwich at Eastside Deli. That's my new regular place.